Thursday, April 30, 2009

I Bite A Little Piece Of Your Ear Off Like Mike Do

Mike Tyson has become, over recent years, something like a tough street version of Michael Jackson: a freak show that people exclusively refer to in jest. But he was definitely one of the greatest boxers of all time, and this clip will at least make you respect the work that he put in to become champion.

I'm looking forward to seeing this movie length documentary feature about him.

In no one's words but Mike Tyson's own, Toback allows one of the greatest boxers who ever lived an amazing self-examination captured on celluloid.

This Is $hit Journalism

I'm not gonna lie, this photo of crap-shaped bread is at least 50% of the reason for this post. The other 50% lies in this fucking horrendous piece of garbage that someone got paid to write today in The Age. Not only is it insulting to the intelligence of anyone literate enough to read it, it's the kind of bubble gum space-filling nonsense that makes you wonder why we even bother to fight for freedom of speech.

I'm not gonna quote from it, but I am gonna say this: whoever wrote it should be writing for those bullshit current affairs shows that consist exclusively of 'dodgy builder didn't finish the job and absconded with our money' stories.

Mrs. Sarkozy's Last Tango In Paris

Firstly, if you haven't seen Last Tango In Paris, do yourself a favour. It's certainly not always comfortable, not always savoury (and I'm not just talking about the butter scene), but some art is at it's best when it's 'challenging,' and this piece definitely falls under that category. It's Brando smack bang in the middle of his Indian summer.

Now, the real reason for this post.

Intimate family photographs of Carla Bruni-Sarkozy and a former lover have been stolen from a Paris apartment.

Burglars took a computer containing photos of Mrs Sarkozy, a digital camera and video material from the home of the brother of her former lover Raphael Enthoven.

This Carla Bruni-Sarkozy is no crusty, silver-haired first lady type, mind you. She's a serious bit of tottie. So serious, in fact, that until Barrack Obama was elected President, she was the only wife of a head of state, ever, who I would voluntarily come at in a sexual way (you can front, but you know that when push comes to shove, you'd nude up with Michelle).

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

The World Needs Rappers From Sweden To Chill Out

So it seems there's some rapper from Sweden trying to make it in Los Angeles, USA. But that's not the stupid part (although it is pretty stupid).

The rights of pedestrians were apparently on Osnes' mind late one November night when an SUV pulled too close to him in a Hollywood crosswalk. What occurred next has been described by the driver's lawyer as a real-life version of the Oscar-winning movie "Crash": A random roadway encounter between strangers leads to tragedy.

Minutes after he stepped off the curb, Osnes lay dying, police were searching for the SUV's driver, and 10 horrified witnesses were trying to understand how a minor confrontation -- a shout and a smack on a car hood -- had prompted an attack of breathtaking brutality.

The SUVs driver was the wannabe rapper from Sweden, who's name I won't publish because, you know, fuck giving that bum any publicity.

Reminds me of a Pharcyde song where Fat Lip talks about a dude moving from Wyoming to LA to make it as a rapper, but then falling victim to the 'I gotta be a gangster to be a rapper' bamboozle move.

No Weiner Wachowski?

Apparently one of the dudes who created The Matrix (the movie franchise that is, not the actual system that harvests the energy of plugged-in, oblivious human beings to allow the robots to continue their domination of the planet) is no longer a dude.

Wachowski is said to have received years of hormone treatment and was reputed to go by the name Lana, although this has been denied in the past.

I see. Now I understand why the third installment was so erratic and unintelligible (just kiddin' ladies).

This Is Why You Mind Your Own F*&%ing Business At Train Stations

Some hard nut chick, possibly cut from the same cloth as the character that Kat Stewart (above) came up with when playing gangland wife Roberta Williams in Underbelly, has punched another woman in the face just for asking her to put out a cigarette at a Melbourne train station.

The 53-year-old Coburg woman was on platform three of the city centre station about 8pm on April 22 when she asked another woman to stop smoking.

The woman, who was standing with a female friend, refused and the 53-year-old picked up her belongings and begun to move away from the pair.

But as she went to walk away, the smoker punched her in the face giving her a broken nose and facial bruising, a Victoria Police spokeswoman said.

It raises interesting 'what would you do?' or 'what kind of citizen are you?' questions. Much the same as when that bikie dude shot 2 men who interceded when he was arguing with a stripper on the street, I think there are two schools of thought:

1. "I'm a stand up guy who doesn't rat and doesn't get involved in shit that's none of my business." Non-involvment.

2. "We're all living in a society here and I will always immediately go to the aid of a fellow citizen in need." Get involved, try to help.

I'm not saying one is right and the other is wrong..... I'm just saying.

Michael Cera To Play Andrei Arshavin in New Soccer Movie

Ok, maybe the title of this post is a lie. But they do kinda look alike, right?

I guess I'm subconsciously concerned that Arshavin is cup tied and can't play for Arsenal in the Champs League semi final against Man U tomorrow.

I like the Cera kid, too. He's a quirky little motherfucker in real life, it seems.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Your Honour, May I Present The 'Bad A$$ Rapper' Defense

I didn't even know we had legitimate 'wannabe gangsta' rappers here in Oz, I just thought fucking idiots leveled that accusation against dudes like me, coz they were too lazy to listen to my lyrics. But now it turns out there really are Quasi Thugs, and they actually have guns.

Gold Coast brothers Dionne Matthew Lacey, 22, and his brother Jade, 26 - rap name Lace Italiano - are fighting murder and unlawful wounding charges respectively over the the May 6, 2007 shooting, which prosecutors say was the result of a clash at a Nerang unit in which Mr Palmer challenged Jade Lacey's reputation as a "big-known gangster".

Makes perfect sense to me. The dude is walking around with a gun, to back up his claims on that lifestyle, and it's just his good fortune that he had it on him when a deranged lunatic attacked him.

Why isn't Bill O'Reilly spinning this as a feel good story for the NRA gun lobby?

Don't Spare The Rod(man)

Every other year that great big cross-dressing multi-coloured chunk of craziness Dennis Rodman pops up with a sham marriage, paternity suit, assault charge or DUI case. This time, it took place in Vegas so you have to cut him a little slack.

She accused Rodman of grabbing her and forcing her to dance, holding her against her will and slapping her backside in front of subordinates and patrons.

But anyway, forget about that and shoot straight to the 1 minute mark of this illustrative clip of Rodman's infamous tangle with Frank "The Brick Man" Brikowski. To this day I have never seen anything as boss on a basketball court as Rodman turning directly toward Brikowski and staring him down while MJ takes his free throws.

Tharrrr Be Millions

As I'm sure you're aware, Pirates have made a big time comeback of late, particularly around the coast of the appropriately named Puntland region of Somalia. See here for a list of reasons why being a modern pirate is pretty excellent, direct from the source.

My ambition is to get a lot of money so that I can lead a better life.

Now I have two lorries, a luxury car and have started my own business in my town.

I only want one more chance in piracy to increase my cash assets, then I will get married and give up.

Sound familiar? It's the American Dream, ain't it?

Emmanuel Adebayor Hearts Beyonce

After scoring that amazing overhead scissor kick goal (see posts from earlier this week), Emmanuel Adebayor is now obviously hopped up on the 'King of The World' juice that comes from hitting a purple patch in your chosen profession. Either that or, like the rest of us (and I mean boys and girls here), he just flat out wants to come at Beyonce Knowles in a sexual way.

"I am happy playing for this club (Arsenal) and to be honest I am happy AC Milan, one of the legendary clubs in the world, were looking at me," he said.

"For me that must be something special. It is like a boy being told Beyonce is looking for them.

Well, quite.

And yes, I absolutely had to use that pic of Beyonce.

Monday, April 27, 2009

The World Needs Chris Mullin

After you've watched this clip of perennial NBA all-star, Dream Team Olympian, and the definition of 'pure shooter' Chris Mullin, you'll appreciate the man's uncanny ability with a ball in his hand. Kinda. After you read this article about how he grew up in Brooklyn, NY and went on to smash all scoring records at St. John's university before battling an alcohol addiction that threatened his professional career, you'll understand why he is now an honorary rapper.

Another Boronia Genius Doing His Thing

I've gotta show some love to my man Rhett, who made the front page of today with his Google Maps alphabet.

"I realised I'd have to search every inch of Victoria to find all my letters." he said. "So I just settled into the zen of trying to solve my puzzle."

If you're settling into the zen of anything, you're winning.

Hats off Mr. Dashwood.

If You Toss A Loonie A Bone, Don't Get Mad When He Defecates On It

Apparently some people have only just got hip to the idea that gambling addicts might use Australia Prime Minister Kevin Rudd's economic stimulus payment of $900 to feed their demons, rather than their children.

The December Federal Government stimulus payments led to a surge in poker machine spending in Victoria, with $250 million being pumped through, up from $220 million a year earlier.

What the fuck did they expect?

Now we need a new government scheme to farm out autistic cats who are good with numbers to accompany all these government-cheque-cashin' bottom feeders to the Casino.

And anyway, they're still stimulating the economy, isn't that was this was all about? The slot jockies are pumping millions back into the government's coffers. While their souls slowly corrode. It's Machiavelli 101, bitch - ethics and government ought to be mutually exclusive.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

I Heart Sports

A lot of sports stuff's been going down while I was away, personally I couldn't go past Emmanuel Adebayor's amazing 'something out of nothing' overhead scissor kick. Now Arsenal take on Man U in the semi-finals of Champs League, I maintain my assertion that we can't win anything this year but we will fuck shit up for one or two other contenders.

The NBA play-offs are off to an interesting start, but you somehow get the feeling that when the dust settles on Round 1, there won't be many (if any) surprises. Tough not to predict a Cavs v Lakers Finals series. It's an interesting subplot to see the Celtics go from raging favourites last year, to ailing defending Champs with a distinct underdog flavour. I love rooting for the underdog, so I hope Paul Pierce gets them through a couple of rounds and then KG makes an improbable comeback. But I doubt that will happen.

Philly are the real surprise packet, they look like they might actually challenge The Magic in this series. But in the interest of seeing the cream rise to the top, it would be a bit shit of Orlando got knocked out this early.

The Socceroos are 99.99% qualified for the World Cup after beating Uzbekistan 2-0 at the start of the month. When you think about how difficult it was last time, it's a huge relief to see the confederation switch (from Oceania to Asia) prove to be such a success - especially given that wasn't immediately clear after our underwhelming performance in the Asian Cup in '07.

Anyway, I could go on. For now, the most important thing is that Celtic FC are still on top of the Scottish League. But only just.

Enjoy Adebayor's genius.

Let's Catch Up, Shall We?

So I'm back from my month-long trip, I took in Thailand, Vietnam and Hawaii (not to mention a 2 day stopover in Sydney were I got the worse case of ass fire I've every had in my life). It was nice to get away for a minute, I haven't had the chance to travel for leisure since late '07 so I took advantage of the sleep-ins and buffet breakfasts.

Now, things is changing. The new J Wess single Do Anything For you featuring myself and Jerson Trinidad will be in stores early July so the clip will be out pretty soon. The track should hit radio some time in June. Personally, this means I've gotta get my shit together and start taking online promotion seriously (or at least find someone competent to do so), and get my head around taking it to the stage on the road.

I'm also shifting gears slowly from collaborator on J's album to main dude on my own album. As we're putting our stuff out through J's own label this time (Rendition Entertainment), I can talk with a lot more confidence about putting out my album. When I was negotiating with a certain major label back in '06, I never really felt comfortable telling folks I was coming out because I just straight up didn't know if or when.

Anyway, it's good to be back and it's good to have my musical future at least a little clearer than it has been previously.